DON'T BE AFRAID

It’s been a while since I wrote about my adventures. After my last post my twin flame and I fought a bit more then we made up, then again. Just like any couple or any two people who live together. But it all seems to be just part of life. I’ve noticed that when I’m scared I’m always edgy and very irritable and it spills out onto my twin flame. 

I get scared of so many different things. I’m afraid that my mum and I will never get along and I will regret it when she is not around anymore. I’m afraid I will struggle to find new clients for my business and it will be difficult to support myself. I’m afraid I will be forced to move somewhere I don’t want. And that’s just my top three fears. 

When I manage to let go of the worry or desire to control what the future brings - I feel happy and relaxed. But it is a challenge for me. Every now and then the hurricane of fears takes over and I am starting to fight everything there is around me.

The thought that is haunting me these days is my upcoming trip to my hometown together with my twin flame. When I booked it I wanted to show him the places I am from. But I forgot about the people. There is a whole list I usually arrange to meet when I go there.

Meeting them would mean introducing my twin flame to everyone. But I’m not ready for it yet. From my experiences I’ve noticed that people are too eager to share their opinion on whether you are a good match or not. Well, I decide that for myself and I don’t want to be influenced. I want to keep the fragile balance him and I have found to be happy together.

If I don’t meet them, and by coincidence, I ran into somebody, they would feel like I went behind their backs. They will get offended that I did not tell them about my visit and I will have to do damage control. Especially with my mum. 

I still find it difficult to hide things from her, even though I’m an adult. The danger is that if she meets both of us, she will seed some destructing thought in my brain and I will end up ruining my relationships like it happened before. Well maybe I’m not as mature as I like to think. 

Anyway, already trying to prevent and mitigate lots of different hypothetical risks and dangers, I make myself crazy, annoyed, irritable, and one step away from starting a conflict over nothing. Will I ever learn?

Does the story of the Runaway Wife inspire you? 

Support me in helping more people in their run for inner freedom - DONATE TODAY

FIRST ROAD BLOCKS

When my twin flame and I started living together, our one most important rule was to keep each other’s freedom intact. Now five months and one move later the foundation of our relationships is giving a crack: neither me, nor he feels free to do as each wants.

What happened? I’m still trying to get my head around it but so far I see several things happening.

From the outside, there are a few strong pressures coming: his job and divorce, our joint venture, but worse of all the move. There is a statistics that shows the number of divorces that happen in IKEA. And even though we only went there once and it went very well, the atmosphere of construction and constant building at home for the last three weeks turned me into a very neurotic character. 

I’m happy with a few things and making the most of what I have at hand. I can buy a couple of nice-to-haves but usually, after 10 days I’m done both unpacking and shopping for the new place. Here like in no other area of my life good is good enough. 

My twin flame, on the other hand, used to be in charge of constructing the full IT infrastructure of gigantic cruise ships for five thousand passengers. Besides he used to own his own three-storied house. From the way he is doing things I can see he misses the scale so badly. Normally I would be happy for him to do whatever he wants because I don’t hold a strong opinion about all these things. But being afraid of my aftermath disapproval he has been checking every tiny little detail with me.

What that does is completely draining my system two. In his book Thinking fast and slow, Daniel Kahneman defines system one as automatic, decisions that we made half-habits and that don’t require our mental efforts. That applies to washing dishes, driving a car, starting a computer. Unlike system one, system two is described as slow, calculating, and effortful. 

So for my twin flame because of his impressive constructing background on ships and 28 moves he’s done so far, questions he asks me and comments he makes are a no-brainer for him but for, me it requires all my processing mental power for every opinion he wants m to give. Now after three weeks my system two which is also responsible for our ability to be resilient is completely exhausted: I’m stressed, I’m worried, annoyed, and just really really mentally tired. And of course, it is not a great pleasure to be around somebody in that state because I’m continually snapping out about everything he does.

To be continued.....

Does the story of the Runaway Wife inspire you? 

Support me in helping more people in their run for inner freedom - DONATE TODAY