I had a three-hour long meeting today with the lawyer and my future ex-husband. We were drafting the divorce agreement.
It’s strange that the love story came down to deciding how we divide the funds and whether or not I am prepared to give up the alimony and he is prepared to transfer the “over-allocation”. I’m surprised even to learn about these concepts. When we got together I didn’t think that is how it’s going to end.
Were there signs it might?
Probably.
Somehow near him, I always felt like I was not raised and taught the right way, that my ways of behaving, living, talking, even eating were not good. So I had to learn new ways that would suit him and “society” as he and later we imagined it. And at first, I really bought into it because it can be a newfound way to be happy. I believed I’d become better, more accepted, more prosperous. Some of the things that I’ve learnt from him like not saying directly what you think, doing small talk, dressing up posh, how to behave in a restaurant, of course, contribute to it. But they are mostly professionally applicable. If you try to do it in your personal life - you take out the passion, the true emotions and feelings. It becomes all so polite and reserved. So after a while, I found that it’s not the way to happiness, it was a way to very levelled, calm, predictable existence where life centres around the job, house mortgage, and children.
I realized that is what happiness is for him a few months into the marriage when his job really picked up and I got all the time to myself, my solitude.
The negotiations at the lawyer's weren’t emotional or heated. I found them funny most of the time because of how my counterpart was nervous that I would try and “bite off the arm”. But I didn’t - I gave it all up. The moment when we finished the discussion it suddenly dawned on me WHAT we were negotiating, and that’s where I got truly sad and couldn’t keep back my tears: divorcing a person who I used to love, who used to be my best friend, with whom we dreamt to build a loving life together is a very very sad thing.
And I just hope the steps I take will bring all of us to something better, something amazing, something true to our hearts.
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